Alone again...naturally

It's been 11 days now since I lost my baby boy. It's so hard to be without him. There is a constant soundtrack in my head, just repeating "I want him back. I want him back. I want him back..."
But then I think about Buffy (for some bizarre reason!), and when her mom came back, but she came back wrong, and I don't want that for my baby.

I just hope it starts getting easier soon, because this is killing me.

In other news, my son has returned to uni, to a privately rented house where he is living with 3 friends. I don't care what people say about students; I think that the conditions they have to live in are appalling, and I think they do so well coping with that on top of studying and being away from home. My son is lucky - he has a really nice landlord and the house isn't too bad. At least - it's better than number one daughter's second year house. I wouldn't even step inside the door at that place.
Luckily, my son only has to cope with a bug infestation and dodgy plumbing...

And in other other news, number 2 daughter is "back" with her boyfriend. I say "back", but "back" consists of him screaming at her in the street and her slamming the door in her face. I have no idea why she chooses to live like this? She should be happy, in love, and being treated like a princess, not going through this shit every day.
But telling her that is the best way to make her stay with him.

RIP, Mr Tobolowsky

My beloved best friend died last week. My goldie was diagnosed with lymphoma three months ago, just before the Jubilee weekend. We started chemo straight away, but it made no difference. I miss him with all my heart, and right now I cannot imagine ever not feeling this way.
I was with him right until the end, and I'm glad I could be there for him. I didn't think I could get through it, but in the end my only concern was that he didn't suffer. I loved him so much. I don't think I have ever loved anyone in my life as much as I loved him.

He was badly behaved; an absolute terror, who never learned to walk on a lead and even three days before he went he was attempting to grab an entire loaf in its wrapper off the worktop, or munch on a complete pack of bourbon biscuits. I wouldn't have had him any other way. He was loyal, devoted, and he made me smile. He was everything to me.

Canine lymphoma is a nasty, vicious disease. My vet said it usually takes the good ones, but I'm still angry. He was too lovely to go so soon - he was only 5. I can't help but feel that God has made a terrible mistake.

The only explanation is that my baby was an angel, lent to me for a while, and that God wanted him back.

Sleep well, my darling. I love you.

Jacob Tobolowsky, 2006-2012

Pleasure vs Mastery

My dog is still getting worse - but no one can tell me what is going to happen. I suppose that is because he can't tell me how he feels, so basically we can only go on the obvious signs of illness - given the fact that my vet hasn't done a blood test or even taken a temperature since he got ill.

Despite no advice from my vet, I have;
- changed his food to Orijen, as it has far fewer carbs which is the kind of diet indicated for cancer patients.
- started giving him Siberian Ginseng, as apparently it acts as an apoptigen. I read that this promotes natural cell death, which may be helpful in preventing cancer. I can't see that it will do any harm when he actually has it.
- I take his temperature myself. Maybe not as accurate as when the vet does it, but at least I may get a little warning if/when his immune system is under pressure.
- I make sure he only has cytotoxic drugs in the morning - apparently that reduces the chances of hemorrhagic cystitis - you would think the vet would mention that?

I don't know if any of these things have/will make a difference, but at least I know I have tried.

And in other news, number two daughter will be 18 shortly. Except rather than being a family celebration, it is turning into a focus point for All That Is Wrong. Just thinking about it makes me feel so tired.

Which is a pain in the arse really, as I feel under pressure to come up with exciting and fun activities to put on the Pleasure vs Mastery chart that the psychologist has me filling in.
What a pile of crap that is.

I just don't see the point.

Yes, I should do things that challenge me or that I enjoy. But at the moment EVERYTHING challenges me. Getting out of bed in the morning challenges me.

My best friend is dying - where do I put that on the chart?

1,2,3...testing...

I have installed Blogger on my phone, so I am seeing if it works.
Sometimes I struggle with technology - things have come a long way since the remote control was attached to the tv with a wire. And before that, black and white tv! My kids would think it was broken.
So, this is a test. Fingers crossed it will arrive in glorious technicolour.

Can't buy me love

My dog is getting worse.
His breathing isn't great, and his balance seems to be off; three times today he has tried to jump up and misjudged where he is going and fallen. Also, I think he has a slight fever, which is worrying given that his immune system will be suppressed by the chemo.

So to compensate for my fears about him, I have been shopping.

I have been spending a huge amount of money that I don't have to try to make me feel better. My house is overrun with discarded Amazon boxes in every size and shape imaginable. Today we had to go to the tip to dump all the cardboard we have accumulated.

Last time this happened was when my dad died - seems to have kicked in early this time. Maybe that's because this time I know what's coming.

The really horrible bit is that it doesn't work. I wouldn't mind about all the debt if I actually felt any better, but I don't.

I just feel sad and poor.

Work shall set you free.

Today I went to the Job Centre.

It was an odd experience - when I was a kid you went to the Job Centre for a job, and there were boards all around the place with vacancies displayed on them. Today there wasn't a job in sight.

In fact the only people with any chance of employment were the huge number of people working there (far more of those than 'clients'), herding people around from one office to other, identical offices on other floors. At one point someone gave a piece of badly laminated red card. I don't know why. Someone else took it off me before I left. At least that's two people with jobs - the hander-outer and the collector-inner.

So, I had this interview, and the guy said I had to engage in mandatory 'Work related activity' to remain entitled to my benefit. Then he gave me three leaflets, and said he would call me in six months. The 'activity' is that I have to look at the leaflets, and 'consider' them.

I think I can manage that.

No wonder this country is going to shit.

Man v Food

I am in love with Adam Richman.

I wonder if he would marry me if I covered myself in bacon?

Everything is better with bacon.